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The true test of any loving relationship is having two phones and only one functioning charger. 
To me, drink responsibly means don't f?cking spill it
I don't like using public restrooms,,,, Mostly because I've seen the public.
My latest superpower is waking up one minute before my alarm goes off..... It's actually a very stupid superpower.
The only time a woman succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby
A woman in Wisconsin named her child Marijuana Pepsi Cola Jackson. Proof that Aliens will not be invading us, because there is no intelligent life on this planet.
Never kiss anyone who's constantly saying things taste like shi t.
If my wife says one more thing about how poorly I manage money... she's not allowed to jump in the inflatable castle I just bought on EBay.
The NewYork Knicks announced they are going to cut off Beer sales after the 3rd Quarter of games starting next season! Not to worry though, that's just for point guard Jason Kidd!!!
Fellas; If she doesn't call you every minute of the day, never let her go.
Penn State announced the reason they took down the Joe Paterno statue was becuase of the jokes and fun the University was being subjected to! This coming from a school that has a stadium named ''Beaver''
I once won an argument with a woman…in this dream I had.
I hate it when subway picks the crappiest sub for their "$5 sub of the month"
Todays Generation – “omg my parents never let me have nything.” via iPhone
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?
Screw coffee, I want whatever this happy singing bird is on. Times three.
You'll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
Relationship status – bathing everyday isn't a priority anymore.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we're playing Cowboys and Indians and I'm a double agent.
Girls get away with wearing guys crap but wear one hair scrunchy and now the daughter says I can't pick her up from school anymore 