Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Diet status: Discovered that a Pringles can fits exactly into the cup holders of my truck today.

   "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West"

   If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.

   my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

   Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.

   When I'm on my deathbed, I'm definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.

   Ok body wash, unless you're caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the "energizing" claims. You're soap.

   Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that sh*t quick.

   When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you?"

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((

   Fellas: Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button. Watch, enjoy and thank me later.

   Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....

   I saved my girlfriends phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'. Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.

   After 31 free samples,, I decided I wasn't really in the mood for Baskin Robins

   I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

   No thanks CVS, I don’t need a bag. I’ll just wrap up my purchase in the 12 foot receipt you just gave me.

   Today, I was rejected by a girl when she told me she is not ready to date. We met on a dating website

   "Do you know where the nearest payphone is located?" Um... 1998?

   I'm sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.

   I always chase joggers with my car to motivate them. It's a thankless job....