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I hope I'm the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me. 
Thought of the day: If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
It's better to have loved and lost than to have spent the rest of your life with that psycho. Happy Single Person's Awareness Day!
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
I can't wait for summer in Canada............. I hear it's gonna be on a Saturday this year
Didn't leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
A womans anger is like a check engine light..there is no way to figure out why it came on so just ignore it and hope it goes away....
You can't make us laugh with your Boston Marathon status so please stop trying and move on!
Women wake up yawning while men wake up with an erection. Coincidence?? I think NOT
Pregnant Kim Kardashian is moaning in a magazine, "Nothing looks good on me" I disagree. A grand piano dropped from a considerable height would.
I had ADHD as a kid but they had a different name for it. They called it sit down and shut the h*ll up or get medicated with"the belt."
I just opened the dryer door & a quarter fell out and rolled underneath it, so I guess I just opened myself a savings account.
There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
The gym manager just gave me a dirty look....Apparently, reverse cowgirl is not an appropriate way to ride the exercise bike.
I wanted a friend with benefits not a friend on benefits.......
Well,,,, If you count watching Elmer Fudd singing "Kill The Wabbit," Then yes, I've been to the opera.
The liquor store is a great place to meet new friends.
A gunfight broke out at the BET Awards and yet some people still don't believe in stereotyping…
They say "confidence" is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I'd have to say, "not banging my friends" would be a very close 2nd
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