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I returned an online purchase and the form said for your security, please use Fedex, UPS, USPS, DHL or Parcel Post. Exactly what other options do they think I'm considering: Horse? Catapult? Tooth Fairy? Santa? 
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Note to U.S. Politicians: You can't borrow yourself out of debt, no one can. It's like you're trying to drink yourself sober.
People who work in retail: How do you do it??? I am merely a humble line participant, and I want to choke everyone around me.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
just unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter. Expecting a song within the hour
"Find the Juan for you!" - Mexican dating site
I hate it when strangers say silly things like, "I don't bite" Yeah, because the first thing I think when I meet someone is "OMG! This b!tch is gonna bite me!"
I love when people say to me… Omg! Your so funny on FB. If they only knew about my awesome copy & paste ability..They could be just as funny!
I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since the world ended in 2012.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I'm probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
God has blessed me with an ability to pretend like I'm shopping in your store when I'm really just here to use the toilet.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I've done in my entire life.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Internet Explorer says I must have cookies turned on. I've licked them seductively - what more can I do?
We don't want Justin Bieber either...... Canada!
When I want to trim down my friend's Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Sex so good your neighbours made you a sandwich
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
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