Funny Status Messages

   Honey Boo Boo's mother has a boyfriend and you're single. Just let that sink in..

   So everybody hates Crocs yet the company is worth $2 billion! Some of you must be lying!

   So everybody hates Crocs yet the company is worth $2 billion! Some of you must be lying!

   Girls on Facebook: "Getting Starbucks with Jenny!" 2 minutes later: 141 pictures and 6 videos uploaded.

   Best Fortune cookie ever: "Person expecting sound advice from stale cookie probably make good dishwasher. Ask manager for application."

   Maybe Oscar wouldn't have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he's homeless

   Steve Jobs was born out of wedlock, put up for adoption at birth, dropped out of college, then changed the world. What's your excuse?

   Guess we should have been more specific about wanting a government shake up..

   So the wife and I went to Bed Bath & Beyond ,,, and we got a new toilet brush, I tried it out,,,, Yadda..Yadda..Yadda...I think I'm going to stick with toilet paper

   For the past 20 years I've been trying to figure out how to "Stop" Collaborate" and "Listen"

   wow 15 notifications.. oh wait 13 of them are for farmville, cityville, I dont give a sh*t-ville

   Hollywood is doing another “Mad Max” movie, where gas is so expensive that people steal and kill to get it. It takes place sometime in the future — like this coming July...

   Stupid Question: When people see you lying down with your eyes closed they still ask: "Are you sleeping?" Smartass Answer - "No, I'm training to die!"

   A second chance doesn't mean anything if you haven't learned from your first mistake.

   That awkward moment when a stranger asks to borrow your cell to make a quick call. No good reason to say NO, but in your head you're thinking of every excuse in the book. "Sorry, I work for the FBI and cant allow any unauthorized person to use my phone."

   Ok, so they have GPS that can navigate you all the way across the country...why can't someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?

   It's not my fault that my phone is more interesting than you.

   I got kicked out of the Casino for misunderstanding the use of a crap table

   A relationship without trust and commitment is like pushing a door that says PULL. It just won't work

   But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.