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Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I'm trying to update my e-harmony profile 
You haven't experienced awkwardness and felt like a complete idiot until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.
Marriage.........when dating goes way too far!
Studies show that your chances of getting murdered drop down significantly when you STFU and mind your own business.
I bet women's trust issues with men started with a weatherman.
Ladies, please. Get a hold of yourselves. There's enough of me to disappoint all of you.
Mars rover "Curiousity" has landed and less an hour later, something has stole 2 rims off of it...
You had me at: I'm calling the police.
How can you NOT be a pervert with a name like Weiner?!?!
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that's how I feel today.
I don't need alcohol to have a good time. I need it to make sure I don't have a bad time...
Maybe if I took my problems to the gym they'd work themselves out.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn't invite me over.
The less people you chill with, the less shi t you have to deal with
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
Just once I wish my iPhone would interfere with the airplane's navigation equipment and we would land in California instead of Detroit....
I don't mind playing games as long as we both end up naked at the end.
On Friday nights I visit a club so exclusive nobody else knows it exists. It looks bizarrely like my living room & needs new cleaning staff.
You know that part in Toy Story 3 were Andy gives away his toys? Well I find that part sadder than the whole twilight movies..
Any of my friends who believe the "Mayan's Prediction" please let me know as soon as possible. Your opinion will only be based on this years Christmas gifts. Thanks :) 