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iOS 9 will be out by the time iOS 8 finishes downloading 
I am sorry I had feelings. I'll replace them with jokes right away.
KANYE WEST AND KIM KARDASHIAN BOOED AT PARIS FASHION WEEK - my week keeps getting better.
I'll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
Ten minutes left in the workday. This is where I use the restroom, and wash my hands for a long time.
Oh com'on Kim Jong everyone has a ''funny uncle'' in the family....don't you think the firing squad was a little harsh???
Well.. I was going to vote for a candidate but I saw a meme on Facebook,,, so now I'm going to vote for another candidate
"Could you guys just have your election now?" - The entire world to America
As your next President, I promise to remove all things Kardashian....
I bet Batman's cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
.... If dueling to the death made a comeback today .... I bet people would start being a heck of a lot less offended!
The Revolutionary War went on for like 8 years, yet we settle for a 3 day weekend? The founders would be so disappointed.
May is National Procrastination Awareness Month.
I wish bugs understood the concept of personal space.
I always know what to say... It's the when and where to say it that I struggle with.
It's 100° with an under-boob index of 110°.
I'm wondering what kind of loser spends Thursday night drinking and bragging about it on Facebook? Anyway, I'm totally drunk.
Some of you make impulsive, poorly thought out decisions. We should hang out more.
I will give you 2 seconds to figure out that you have the right of way before I take it from you. 