Funny Status Messages

   Every time you speak, I feel my brain cells committing suicide one by one.

   People don’t realize how hard it is to write stupid things on a regular basis.

   Am I the only one that believes people without kids should get a "No-Child Tax Credit"... I mean I'm over here not overpopulating the world.. Think I deserve a lil something back for that... Yall Welcome!

   My favorite part of an oil change is when they show you the air filter,,, and then look at you like you're a disgusting pig.

   To skip any youtbue ad just change ‘youtbue’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.

   A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are a$$holes." Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..." The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The second guy says, "No. I'm an a$$hole."

   A wise man once said........................... nothing,,, He just let her vent

   Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.

   I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)

   Pediatricians just announced that trampolines are dangerous. In a related story, fire is hot…

   They key to forgiving somebody is to remember that sometimes, you're an a$$hole, too.

   They say 1in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I'm not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.

   Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn't going to help me type any faster.

   I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.

   I say we bury Boston bomber, Tamerlan Tsarnaev's body at Westboro Baptist Church....

   Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of Oklahoma. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

   When I'm in the shower, why does every noise sound like my phone?

   If you think you're having a bad day.. just remember, somebody is going to have Snooki as a mom

   The internet does not make people ignorant, it just makes their ignorance visible to everyone else.

   HA HA !! Kim Kardashian is Killing Kanye's Popularity ! What a D Bag !