Funny Status Messages

   Friend asks me "Why do you carry a gun?" I reply "because a cop is too damn heavy to carry"

   I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I am your girl.

   Febreeze should make underwear.

   The Steelers must have partied hard last night...They're still wearing their Halloween costumes! ツ

   *Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat,,, not two cats in one.

   Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.

   Unless there's a new app that lets you shoot people, that phone holster looks ridiculous.

   95% of every relationship is navigating the question "Where should we eat?" without it turning into World War III.

   I'm not always a gentleman in the bedroom, but I will hold the door for you so you can leave afterwards

   Who needs dance lessons when you've got alcohol?!

   Don't you wish you could just google anything? Like "where's the remote?" google:"under the couch",

   anything is pocket sized if your ass is big enough

   It's okay to laugh during sex, just don't point.

   I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a soberphobic.

   If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, gimme me a call...I'll confirm that for you.

   A guy in a Smart car just flipped me off, which is about as adorably menacing as being cursed at by Teddy Ruxpin

   Hey Sun-chips way to go,, making a Bio-degradable bag that's so friggin loud my neighbors can hear my junk food addiction,,

   Why won't the machines just take over already? I'm tired of doing stuff.

   Edward Scissorhand's death was probably from running.

   What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Patient.