Funny Status Messages

   "Whatcha doin' ... Payin' bills? I'm just gonna lay on top of 'em, K? Oops, I knocked them all over. Let me shove my ass in your face." - The Cat

   If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.

   I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act. Also need a large rug and a gallon of bleach.

   With subpar graphics and no discernable plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played.

   I can't see an end, I have no control and I don't think there's any escape, I don't even have a home anymore...Definitely time for a new keyboard.

   todays to do list.. 1) buy a sword. 2) name it kindness. 3) kill people with kindness.

   I'm astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that most murder cases are only solved after a detective is suspended but ignores the suspension.

   According to my nipples, summer is over

   I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.

   My lady garden could really use a nice face plant.

   If TuPac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-shirts at the Gap right now.

   There's something incredibly beautiful about a woman that doesn't realize she's incredibly beautiful.

   If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you

   The movie “Noah” comes out this weekend. It follows the story of a family trying to survive God's wrath on a giant boat for months. Or as that's more commonly known, a Carnival Cruise.

   I never would've noticed that you removed me as a friend, until you tried to add me back.

   Priest: Kim, do you take Kanye to be your lawfully wedded husband to love and cherish? Kim: I.. *Kanye grabs mic* Kanye: She do

   I've never been held hostage but I've been on a group text.

   What rhymes with Cupid?

   “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.