Funny Status Messages

   Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

   This is my cup of care \_/ oh look, IT'S F**KING EMPTY.

   It only took 6 drinks but I'm starting to feel the Christmas spirit.

   Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

   Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, that's more like it.

   Does Facebook have a "You're not smart enough to be talking about politics" button?

   If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?

   I don’t always correct someone’s spelling, but when I do, I google it first so I don’t make an ass out of myself.

   Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I'm assuming it's Monday.

   Don't send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.

   My wife is upset, apparently I'm breathing wrong again.

   Friends don't let friends make 'Harlem Shake' videos...

   Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone's food pics and posting the calories.

   US Marine SGT Michael Cable died in Afganistan today, but yet all I see on the TV is people mourning a drunk hillbilly....

   If my "check engine" light would just "check my wallet"....It would know there's nothing I can do about it.

   I don't use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.

   When I'm at a restaurant I like to ask the waiter, “What's your most frequently photographed entree?”

   I've used my wife's conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I'm a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.

   Enough With The Poking, Lets Just Have Sex

   Baby,baby,baby ooh!" Mom: *walks in* Are you listening to justin bieber AGAIN..? Daughter: No I'm watchin PORN... Mom: Oh thank God