Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
←Rate | 04-05-2013 15:07 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
←Rate | 05-26-2013 12:28 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they're being an ass.
←Rate | 08-19-2012 12:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How to kill a Spider: Get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
←Rate | 09-13-2012 21:46 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hope skinny jeans are going to be around for a while because I sure as hell can't get these things off.
←Rate | 09-28-2012 05:56 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not opposed to manscaping, but I don't see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
←Rate | 10-16-2014 19:33 by StonerDudee Comments (1)  


   messageicon I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
←Rate | 09-24-2013 22:16 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Lesbianism is proof that size doesn't matter!!
←Rate | 02-24-2012 14:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm seeing alot of couple getting joint facebook accounts and call them for example "JohnandJaneDoe". Ah, nothing says love like I don't trust you to have your own facbeook page. So, lets get one together so we can keep tabs on each other Dear.
←Rate | 12-01-2010 12:41 Comments (4)  


   messageicon Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
←Rate | 06-04-2013 13:28 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4,000 times?
←Rate | 06-27-2013 15:34 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He's better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.
←Rate | 08-03-2013 02:28 by StonerDudee Comments (1)  


   messageicon My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
←Rate | 11-13-2012 05:45 by Huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
←Rate | 09-04-2011 23:04 by BEGO Comments (1)  


   messageicon Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me...It's Sunday.
←Rate | 10-11-2009 16:40 by Vito Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know you're broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!!!
←Rate | 06-26-2012 07:02 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bruce Willis is working on the 5th Die Hard movie! They should call this one ''Just kill me already!!!''
←Rate | 07-11-2012 09:06 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can you believe this guy, officer? Committing suicide in my trunk without my permission. There should be some kind of law about this.
←Rate | 12-02-2011 13:16 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon There's a homeless man at the ATM asking for money....... Well played homeless man......... well played
←Rate | 05-15-2010 15:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The US Supreme Court has ruled that you have the right under the First Amendment to protest military funerals..... I invite you to start your protest in my front yard and we can see if your first amendment is better than my Second Amendment!
←Rate | 03-09-2011 21:29 Comments (0)  



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