Funny Status Messages

   noticed that ever since Susan Boyle confessed her virginity to the world, the Taliban and Al Qaeda have cut back on suicide bombing, knowing now what lies ahead for them.

   Girls are like buses they come and go. But remember there's only one bus that takes you home. Never miss that ONE bus :)

   I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on earth, then I ask myself the same question...

   I'm doing a water balloon drive by at bestbuy tonight at 23:00 hours...... Whose with me?!?!

   wondering what people used to do or how they lived their lives without the internet....so I asked Google

   If you watch the Lord of the Rings backwards, it's about a little guy who gets a cool ring from a volcano and spends the rest of the time walking home.

   Justin Bieber is approximately the same diameter as the oil pipe in the Gulf......is anybody thinking what I'm thinking?

   My 14 y/o daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it's okay to leave her alone with him.

   I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.

   I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

   You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.

   Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they're being an ass.

   How to kill a Spider: Get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

   I hope skinny jeans are going to be around for a while because I sure as hell can't get these things off.

   Lesbianism is proof that size doesn't matter!!

   I'm seeing alot of couple getting joint facebook accounts and call them for example "JohnandJaneDoe". Ah, nothing says love like I don't trust you to have your own facbeook page. So, lets get one together so we can keep tabs on each other Dear.

   Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

   You can't afford a bar of soap, but Beer,, Cigarettes,, & $700 worth of tattoos is not a problem?.. This is why sometimes I have a hard time feeling bad for most people

   Can you believe this guy, officer? Committing suicide in my trunk without my permission. There should be some kind of law about this.

   You know you're broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!!!