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Keep smiling. But not to the point where people begin to think you're mentally unbalanced. 
Had a cold this morning so I took an Aleve-D and washed it down with an AMP energy drink. Judging by the way I feel, I am fairly certain my body converted to two into meth!
will not discriminate against the following: race, religion, sex, or creed. However UGLY... I have to draw the line somewhere!
Things in my life are finally starting to click...... Like my elbows, my knees, my feet,etc;
Putting kids to bed is a little like playing WHACK-A-MOLE.
Anyone who says onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never been hit in the face with a pumpkin.
And now stepping into the on- deck cirle, Lindsay Lohan.
Who Is Paul McCartney? You see kids, before PC's & Auto-tune, there were these mythical creatures who could sing/play/write songs themselves!
Hey toilette paper manufactures, you think you can make the last six sheets a courtesy red? Thanks
That terrifying moment when your cat walks into the room, stares at something you can't see and runs away in a panic.
I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I didn't text you. Vodka texted you.
Why is it that melted cheese tastes like a zillion times better than regular cheese?
eHarmony just said my only compatible match is a bottle of wine and a frozen pizza.
When a woman puts on a low cut shirt, she's basically saying she wants to win all arguments for the day.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
The only thing worse than girls going after the "Bad Boy" is today's perception of what a Bad Boy is.
Getting a hard-on is the only way I can get my wife to leave me alone.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn't listening to begin with. 