Funny Status Messages

   I fart, why..because it's the only gas I can afford.

   My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, And they're like "It wasn't that hard."

   The new Def Leppard Rock Band game is such a rip off. It only came with one drum stick.

   If I die in my sleep, my programmable coffee-maker is still going to make a full pot in the morning.... Someone will appreciate that.

   Hey,, adorable couples who constantly profess your love for each other via my news feed,,, learn how to text.

   Sooo, the real moral of Rudolph's story is that no one will like you until you have something they want or need? Now that's the Christmas spirit!

   The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.

   Never wear a G-string backwards while doing jumping jacks........ and I don't want to talk about this anymore...

   I hate it when pedestrians get all up in my grill.

   New Condom Slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's going to get your paychecks.

   They have auto-steer and auto-park on new cars, but I would like to see auto-drivemydrunkass homefromthebar.

   HEY,,, I remember when they had Child Protective Services when I was a kid... And her name was Grandma... Love you Gram !

   They should create an app that makes your cellphone go "ahhhhhh" when you plug it in.

   When someone is watching you brush your teeth, you brush for longer than you normally do alone

   I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.

   The uneasy moment when you are having a conversation in your head & you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.

   If you have a problem with me, text me. If you don't have my number than that means you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.

   Some guy at work just asked me if I was homosexual. His exact words were "Do you like Twilight?"

   ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ Sorry, I just dropped my bag of Doritos ......

   My friend just had a baby, he keep's going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son, he would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, "Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?"