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~I almost made the mistake of doing some cleaning tonight. Luckily I realized Hoarders is on; so there will be no cleaning AND no guilt 
I call it "No-Pants Wonderday," but it turns out the police just call it "Thursday." Go figure.
I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.
If there is a window of opportunity ... why the hell does it knock? Shouldn't it be a door? No wonder so many people miss opportunities. They answer the door, not the window.
Would if he could: Change his relationship status to "Pimpin'...and it's complicated"
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
If Tylenol, Duct Tape & WD-40 can't fix it...you've got serious problems !!!
I don't know what all the hype is about multitasking... I have tried it and it's isn't for me... It's just a fancy word meaning " you're screwing up several things at once".
Nobody notices what I do, until I don't do it.
When the outcome of what I strive for is consistently determined by things completely out of my control, my give-a-damn reacts accordingly. I'm just sayin'...
California announced that Marijuana Dispensaries will be closing! Do they realize the dramatic impact this will have on the economy. Sales of Funyons, 7-11 Burritos, Visine, and all other junk food are going to plummet!!!
Nothing more awkward then being 10 minutes into a porno and realizing there's no girls in it...
I just heard a woodpecker call me a 'paranoid old weirdo' in morse code.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
I have no problem with you speaking your mind,,, as long as you can do it with your mouth closed.
I'm the most responsible person I know. Whenever anything goes wrong, I'm responsible.
When I say, "No problem," I mean, "YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOUR FOREVER."
October 13th is No Bra Day!?!?!? it's everyday for me when I get home from work!
Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion?words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the bathroom.
Homeless people have been known to step outside the box. 