Funny Status Messages

   I could never bring myself to kill....however, I do have a list of some pretty sweet hiding spots.

   walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak... In Morse code

   Criticism is the best sign you're onto something.

   "I'm Tom Bodett of Motel 6, we'll leave the Lysol on for ya"

   There are only 3 steps to sleeping with alot of women. 1). Have your own place. 2). Have a bar in your place 3). HAVE NO STANDARDS

   Wants to find something else for my dryer to eat besides one of every sock.

   ya ever notcie that the most comfortable one can be in bed is always one minute before you have to get up?

   If you're starting a sentence with "not to sound like a b*tch," guess what you're going to sound like...

   Just left the bar. Did you guys know you can leave while you're still able to walk?!

   Watching the food channel when you're hungry is like watching porn.

   Facebook saved me from a terrifying keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself addiction.

   When a GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat."

   My insomnia has narcolepsy...

   learned something today: when a homeless man is blocking an entire stairwell, vigorously fiddling with his crotch, it is in everyone's best interest that he simply be left alone.

   To the guy in the stall next to me who's "attempting" to sit down...what's with all the TP? Are you a germaphobe or are you trying to build a freaking NEST?!

   the font smaller, or am I on acid??

   Why do paper towel dispensers in public restrooms give you just enough to keep your hands slightly damp?

   Look, if we get caught, just act like we don't speak English. Ok?

   In a meeting: "Let me reiterate what was just said" can be translated to "I have nothing productive to add but I like the sound of my own voice and think I'm important so I think I need to waste 5 more minutes of all your days"

   If there is a window of opportunity ... why the hell does it knock? Shouldn't it be a door? No wonder so many people miss opportunities. They answer the door, not the window.