Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Stop knocking on my door wanting to talk about the Lord and I will stop coming to your door wanting to talk about alcohol, weed and freaky sex.

   For all those guys wearing skinny jeans....I believe you took the phrase "getting into her pants" the wrong way.

   "Like" this if you know someone who is alive today because you are just too darn lazy to kill them....

   President Lyndon B. Johnson owned an amphibious car and would scare his guests by driving into a lake, screaming about brake failure. Those are the same people who don't like Obama.

   Let's play the unicorn game where I rub your magical horn until you shower me with glitter.

   After I have sex with a cucumber my walk of shame is to the kitchen to rinse it off and put it back in the fridge.

   Robert Kardashian was OJ Simpson's lawyer....thus began the family tradition of getting black men off.

   The Dog Whisperer has been whispering death threats into my dog's ear

   This is your captain speaking,,, Please fasten your seat belts,,, The Boeing 737 in the gate beside us looks like it wants to race.

   *calls up Domino's. . . WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVENLY? . . YOU'RE TEARING MY FAMILY APART !

   ( last meal on death row ) "Parmigian cheese?" . . . *I nod. . . "Say when". . . * I wink at camera. . .

   I love Ellen. I'm gonna marry her idk how but I'm gonna make it happen.

   Actually mom, I'm not writing tweets about handjobs anymore I'm into fisting now. Happy?

   I wonder if my cat thinks I'm cleaning my ice cream?

   Mariah Sharapova living proof that Russians love to cheat.

   Sorry I fed your baby trash, I thought it was a raccoon

   Has Fox News blamed Obama for Nancy Reagan's death yet?

   Can't wait for Game of Thrones. During this election it'll be refreshing to watch people competing for a crown in a more civilized way.

   Keith Emerson is dead from an apparent suicide. I guess he wasn't such a Lucky Man after all.

   I like to refer to it as a "Magic Carpet Ride" when I sit on HIS bearded face and HE works that tongue like Harry Potter wielding a wand.