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Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl. 
be careful what you post online because future employers might see it and want to hang out with you because you’re so cool
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Facts never seem to matter to a lynch mob.
Before you begin, I’m legally obligated to tell you I don’t care.
I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon
My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn't always end up at work.
The only thing I hate more than people who make fun of other people is people who don't laugh when I do it.
You post one little joke saying you won the lottery and Facebook finds you 1,347 new possible relatives.
Remembering how easy life was in kindergarten. As long as you had the biggest box of crayons and the coolest lunch box you ruled the school......
Me, walking: "Pedestrians ALWAYS have the right of way!" Me, driving: "LOOK OUT FOR CARS, freakin idiots."
I don't care how bad I have to go, I will hold it until I'm clocked back in after lunch. If I have to be here, you WILL pay me to use the bathroom.
hates it when people say "plan in advance" or "plan ahead". Just say "plan"! Obviously its developed in advance and before, thats what a plan is!
contains Adult language, Mild Violence, Brief Nudity and Strong Sexual Content. Viewer discretion is NOT advised.
doesn't mind taking a leap of faith, he just needs a good run up!
Whoever said laughter is the best medicine never had gonorrhea 