Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Pen Clicking: When I do it, it's fun....when you do it, it's the most annoying thing on the face of the Earth.

   The bathroom stall at any university has a bigger sense of brotherhood than any fraternity on campus. Our butt cheeks have touched the same surface, we are brothers. We are one.

   Bears: If people can read my thoughts, most people would think I'm the most evil person on this planet.

   My romantic life is like a Ferrari....I don't have a Ferrari.

   Babies: You have hidden your face and then made it appear again....this pleases me.

   I don't always sing along to my favorite songs. But when I do, I sing along to the guitar solo as well.

   Valentines Day can only lead to nasty things such as herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.

   Pro Tip: Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

   Customer Service: Upgrading your service? I can help you with that right away. Cancelling service? Let me transfer you to the department with a 70 minute wait time.

   What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by it's root and still be scared of spiders. --Jerry Seinfeld

   I hate when I think I'm buying organic vegetables and when I get home I discover they're just regular donuts.

   Drink until the bottle is emptier than you.

   Whenever I go running, I meet exciting new people....like paramedics.

   I got so high once that I had to turn down the tv because I couldn't taste my grilled cheese.

   The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1:00 pm and 2017.

   Some days, I can conquer the world. Other days, it takes me three hours to convince myself to shower.

   I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong. Like that one time I got married....

   But seriously, how do I get one million dollars and a flat stomach by tomorrow?

   Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don't get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...

   If I know one thing, I certainly don't know what it is.