Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can't see the mailbox when she's backing up?
←Rate | 10-04-2015 11:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've always wanted to walk up to a stranger and hand them a briefcase and say, "You know what to do"
←Rate | 10-04-2015 11:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
←Rate | 10-04-2015 11:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
←Rate | 10-04-2015 11:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All I'm saying judge is that the song Come on Eileen should have come with more specific instructions . ...
←Rate | 10-04-2015 16:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.
←Rate | 10-05-2015 08:45 by Moose4242 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear dryer, I think you have an eating disorder. Sincerely, now missing 13 socks.
←Rate | 10-05-2015 08:51 by Moose4242 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
←Rate | 10-05-2015 08:53 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon To the untrained eye, I'm quite handsome......
←Rate | 10-05-2015 09:08 by Moose4242 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ”I used to be the Internet!” – The Library
←Rate | 10-05-2015 09:14 by Moose4242 Comments (0)  

   messageicon She put her makeup on. I said : So this is how you become a ten. She said: So, this is why women leave you. Another one bites the dust.
←Rate | 10-05-2015 13:49 by Jitney Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was in the backyard with my wife.A bird dropped its poo on her shoulder. She yelled: Disgusting. .. get me paper towel or toilet paper. I looked up in the sky and said: it is probably a mile away. Plus, birds do not wipe their aasss.
←Rate | 10-05-2015 13:51 by Jitney Comments (0)  

   messageicon My daughter is having a modern day wedding, no church... it is 2015...Break tradition. So the wedding will at a museum...
←Rate | 10-05-2015 13:52 by Jitney Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white
←Rate | 10-05-2015 14:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think I might have an eating disorder. I got out of my car this morning at work, saw a pile of leaves and thought they were potato chips.
←Rate | 10-05-2015 16:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Motivate people to talk about themselves, but not to the extent they punch you.
←Rate | 10-05-2015 17:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If FanDuel would just run a few more commercials, I'd consider joining.
←Rate | 10-05-2015 19:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when people take my glasses and say "Wow! You really can't see!" I'm like no kidding. I don't take a person's wheelchair and say "Wow! You really can't walk!"
←Rate | 10-05-2015 19:48 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Lorena Bobbitt moved to Russia. Her new name is Ivana Kutchacokov.
←Rate | 10-05-2015 20:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon lam - where sex with a goat makes sense but eating a pig doesn't.
←Rate | 10-05-2015 23:17 Comments (0)  

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