Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day. -why spelling matters
←Rate | 09-29-2015 21:40 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you've spent more than ten seconds fondling and sniffing a fruit or vegetable you need to buy it otherwise it's disrespectful
←Rate | 09-30-2015 05:48 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  

   messageicon I sensed she was starting to pull away when she changed the locks to the house.
←Rate | 09-30-2015 13:47 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Being a nice person is so exhausting, which is why a$$holes always have so much energy.
←Rate | 09-30-2015 13:49 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon This ponytail isn't gonna pull itself... ...are we flirting yet.
←Rate | 09-30-2015 14:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife wants to speak with you. You're in deep sh*t.
←Rate | 09-30-2015 14:23 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Police officers say anything you say will be taken down and make be used as evidence .. your answer should always be please officer don't hit me again
←Rate | 09-30-2015 14:53 by @uxbridgeguy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey??!! Somebody get ready to wake that guy from Green day up!!!
←Rate | 09-30-2015 15:11 Comments (2)  

   messageicon I’ve had the time of my life like ten or eleven times now.
←Rate | 09-30-2015 18:41 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket.
←Rate | 09-30-2015 19:00 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Whole Foods Cashier: "Would you like to make a donation?"... Me: "No,,, just these 11 items for $109, thanks"
←Rate | 09-30-2015 20:25 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so old, I remember the internet when it had no commercials. . .
←Rate | 09-30-2015 20:27 by JAB Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.
←Rate | 09-30-2015 20:34 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want my hearse to have 'JUST DIED' written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
←Rate | 09-30-2015 22:34 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon The American Airlines air hostess was so old that I offered her my seat today
←Rate | 10-01-2015 01:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon HEY EVERYBODY, did anyone remember to wake up Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong today? Please tell me someone remembered. Oh man, he's gonna be pissed
←Rate | 10-01-2015 20:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck then go on a high speed chase becuase it will be funny to watch a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck
←Rate | 10-01-2015 21:10 by Zinc Comments (0)  

   messageicon Last year I asked santa for the sexiest person ever and I woke up in a box
←Rate | 10-01-2015 21:11 by Zinc Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want to have three kids than name them Ctrl, Alt, Delete than if they screw up I can hit them all at once. #ellen
←Rate | 10-01-2015 21:13 by Zinc Comments (0)  

   messageicon I always lick my lips when I see kids in public places because they need to realize their are bad people in this world
←Rate | 10-01-2015 21:14 by Zinc Comments (0)  

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