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Whoa there, magazine, I already bought you. No need to pop out a million little post card babies asking me to subscribe. 
My friend said he couldn't tell if it was a compliment or an insult that a hot chick only wants to hook up with him, but not date seriously. On one hand, she is just using you for sex. On the other hand, shut the hell up.
when light turns green, it means GO not text
Pro tip: Before you tell her that you love her, make sure you're not horny, drunk, lonely, desperate, sad, angry, bored or hungry.
Guys who say they like girls who don't wear makeup really mean they like girls that look really hot without the help of makeup.
According to a story on the front page of The New York Times, Kanye West is marrying Kim Kardashian. The wedding is scheduled for June and the divorce is in July.
If I ever go missing,,, I hope they put my photo on bottles of OCD medication, cuz you know those people won't stop looking.
How is ''Doable'' anything but a compliment!!!
I'm available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
I took my Cat and her six kittens to the Vet to get them spayed and neutered! The Vet asked ''Is the momma cat friendly?'' I said ''Well....Duh, How do you think we got in this mess in the first place!!!''
When I was a child,I acted like a child and had imaginary friends,now they just call it facebook.
Time to go out and pretend I'm putting up Christmas lights I never took down from last year.
If a genie ever gives me a wish, I'm going to get a piggy back ride from Oprah.
I bought a new dog and named her G-Spot. Now I can't find her.
The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.
advises all the young people, "Do not grow up; it's a trap!!"
I went to a Narcissists Anonymous meeting but it was just this pathetic bunch of nobodies
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at this Best Buy
Won a $50 gift card to Chili's at Christmas raffle. In other news, decided my secret santa is getting a $14.37 gift card to Chili's for Christmas.
Among words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.
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