Funny Status Messages

   The Black Eyed Peas are just regular peas that got on an elevator with Ray Rice.

   Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.

   Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I'm 82.

   So now people are purposely sucking on cups to enlarge their lips. What more is the apocalypse waiting for?

   I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.

   Mexican magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos…" *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres.

   Breaking news: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

   Sorry I mispronounced your baby's name you made up.

   Sometimes I walk up to a plant and exhale carbon dioxide all over it. Did I save its life? Maybe. Am I a hero? That's for history to decide.

   DOCTOR: Are you sexually active? ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven't gone off in years

   Notice seen outside a Church: Please do not leave your Purse/Watch/Handbag/Mobile/Girlfriend/Boyfriend unattended. Others may think it`s an answer to their prayers.

   When men give women roses they expect Tulips in return.

   I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses

   I wish one of the walls in my bedroom was a giant Lite-Brite.

   Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house

   "Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

   Not everyone that comes into your life needs to stay there.

   TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.

   Perspective is everything. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the live lobsters in the ship's galley.

   Attention All Mom: if you have a son from the ages of (6 to 12).. Just randomly ask him..."If 30 ninjas broke in here right now what would you do??" Trust me it will make his day...