Funny Status Messages

   If you hold an empty Old Spice bottle to your ear, you can hear your grandpa complaining that someone touched the thermostat.

   So many girls are in a relationship with single guys.

   I felt sad for this poor guy dressed as The Statue of Liberty in front of Liberty Tax Service...At least he doesn't have it as bad as the Lil' Caesars Pizza Girl. She has to stand there on the roadside holding a sign that says "HOT AND READY 5 DOLLARS!"

   Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”

   pumpkin for sale, slightly used

   The Olympians stories are amazing.. The ukrainian whose whole family was killed, the korean who escaped slavery, the american who never had wifi.

   Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?

   The Mega Millions jackpot is now up to $586 million. The odds of winning are 1 in 259 million. Those are the same odds of Tony Romo throwing a pass to his own teammate in the fourth quarter.

   “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government - lest it come to dominate our lives and interests.” - Patrick Henry

   Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.

   Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I'm 82.

   So now people are purposely sucking on cups to enlarge their lips. What more is the apocalypse waiting for?

   I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.

   Mexican magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos…" *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres.

   Breaking news: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

   If you don't have a dog whistle,,,, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in a month.

   Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Glasgow yesterday. People of Glasgow did not know they had a library.

   Next time you hear a stranger give out their number text them details of what they're wearing. It's so much fun to watch them freak out

   One advantage of growing old is you don't have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.

   This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.