Funny Status Messages

   To hate a person is a waste; half the people you hate don't care, and the other half don't know.

   Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem.

   Automatic urinal. Automatic soap dispenser. Automatic hand dryer. Gets rendered useless after you grab the bathroom doors handle.

   Only five shopping days left until the apocalypse!

   pumpkin for sale, slightly used

   So if your invited to someone's 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?

   So many girls are in a relationship with single guys.

   I felt sad for this poor guy dressed as The Statue of Liberty in front of Liberty Tax Service...At least he doesn't have it as bad as the Lil' Caesars Pizza Girl. She has to stand there on the roadside holding a sign that says "HOT AND READY 5 DOLLARS!"

   Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”

   It's crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won't keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry

   If you hold an empty Old Spice bottle to your ear, you can hear your grandpa complaining that someone touched the thermostat.

   The Olympians stories are amazing.. The ukrainian whose whole family was killed, the korean who escaped slavery, the american who never had wifi.

   Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?

   The Mega Millions jackpot is now up to $586 million. The odds of winning are 1 in 259 million. Those are the same odds of Tony Romo throwing a pass to his own teammate in the fourth quarter.

   “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government - lest it come to dominate our lives and interests.” - Patrick Henry

   If you don't have a dog whistle,,,, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in a month.

   Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Glasgow yesterday. People of Glasgow did not know they had a library.

   Next time you hear a stranger give out their number text them details of what they're wearing. It's so much fun to watch them freak out

   One advantage of growing old is you don't have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.

   This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.