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has just read his wife's magazines and there seems to be two topics of major importance to women: .1) Why men are such disgusting pigs and .2) How to attract a man! 
next time someone asks you if you been working hard or hardly working put your hands around their neck, squeeze really tight and say breathing hard or hardly breathing!
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I can't wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I survived the end of the world!
Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.
This is actually a pretty horrible dating site you guys.
"I'd hit that" -old people who drive
You can lead a human to knowledge.... but you can't make them think.
I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food... I dont even know where sandwiches live!
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
I hate that disapproving look George Washington is giving me on the $1 bill. As if to say "You're making bad choices."
Sex for Hugh Hefner at his age must be like shooting pool with a rope.
I hit a coyote with my car on the way to work this morning. I tried to miss it but it was going to fast. It might have had something to do with that ACME rocket strapped to his back
wondering, how many rich people in Nigeria is there? Cause every day, according to my emails, at least 5 die & want to leave me their money...
Kinda feels weird when your computer asks if you'd like to continue unprotected....
Trust is the most important part of a relationship. You must be 100% sure that she wont tell your wife!!!
The way I feel when a waiter finally brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.
I bet you $567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
If a stranger starts talking to you in an elevator, just say: "I don't want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you" that'll shut 'em up. 