deithy Funny Status Messages

   received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don't have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

   went to the bookshop today to get a book about conspiracies. Guess what, there were none there. Coincidence?

   has just read his wife's magazines and there seems to be two topics of major importance to women: .1) Why men are such disgusting pigs and .2) How to attract a man!

   purchased his own Taser off the internet yesterday. In a totally unconnected incident, I've got to buy a cat to replace the neighbour's one this afternoon (and it must be identical looking)........

   thinks that with all the spam he gets abot penis enlargement, isn't time they invented a pill to shrink vaginas instead!

   wonders if it is only him, that has had a fly or small bug land on his computer screen and been daft enough to try and scare it with the cursor?

   wants to know: if you went to bed with a schizophrenic, would it count as a threesome? Just asking.....

   still confused after one of the presenters on Children in Need said, "pick up your phone and pledge". I'm still sitting here with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other, wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do next.

   determined to break into the Porn Industry in 2010. I'm not going to listen this time to anyone who says I'm over qualified!

   has just got back from the future...........You wouldn't believe how many blades they have on razors!

   eating Babybels at this special time of year. After all, Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without the baby cheeses.

   wants to poke you (and not one of those irritating facebook poke either)

   is in the money!! I've just won $50,000 on the Nigerian Lottery (well after I've sent the £250 processing fee). Not a bad days work, especially as I never entered it in the first place!

   SHOPPERS: Bored with writing lists for that weekly shop? Simply find discarded lists in trolleys/baskets, and use them! Its spiced up my life.....

   remembers a time when 'Binge Drinking' was simply called 'Getting Pissed'

   had his wife accuse him of being self-important. He nearly fell off his throne!

   notices that its been so windy of late that even the water in his toilet was choppy!

   woke up with post-it note where one of his toes should have been. It said "Gone to market"....

   somewhat annoyed that finding midgets, painting them green and making them make chocolate is an offence.

   thinks Santa is a judgemental twat who bears a grudge. I've explained the Elves incident a hundred times now. So what if I was caught naked with one of his helpers in a cupboard, it was all an innocent mistake!