Funny Status Messages

   There's no worse feeling than lying next to the person you love and they don't know you love them. Or that you're in their house again.

   If you've ever wondered what it's like to be a parent,, Just go in your kitchen, scatter cheetos and sugar. Then yell Stop,, No,, & Don't 300 times

   I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"

   They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".

   Think women are the weaker sex? Try pulling the blankets back to your side.

   If you're not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever.

   If you don't like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally take a $hit all by themselves.

   The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. I'm not taking any chances. **Locks Doors**

   My next door neighbour's battery went in his Smart car today. I had to give him a jump start from my iPod.

   now accepting applications for a Valentine...Requirements as follows : 1) Pulse 2) Female...as the day progresses, requirement #1 may become negotiable...

   Your phone has more computing power now then all of NASA had in 1969. They launched a man into space, we launched angry birds into pigs.

   Dear Wikileaks...where is the fkn video already...Sincerely, USA

   Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it's strapped to the top of someone's car.

   Could I borrow your face for Halloween?

   If I ever get summoned for jury duty, I plan on appearing in the courtroom in a puff of smoke and yelling, "WHO SUMMONED ME?"

   If someone calls you a freak just thank them. Nothing throws people off like a proud, polite freak.

   The two kinds of people at every party are those who want to go home and those who don't. Trouble is, they're usually married to each other.

   loves the smell of Friday in the morning, it smells like... WEEKEND.

   Hopefully Paris Hilton never becomes a vampire. Sure she loves the nightlife, but she'll go nuts not being able to see her refection every 10 minutes.

   Well lets see for Christmas I bought the iPhone,iPad,iTouch.... now iBroke,iHomeless and iRegret...