Funny Status Messages

   If I could pick winning football teams half as well as I pick the stupidest, slowest cashier in Walmart, I could afford to shop elsewhere.

   Remember as we are planing for our tomorrows, our brave soilders are giving theirs today.. Have a safe an wonderful Memorial weekend everyone!!

   While single, focus on becoming a better person instead of focusing on finding someone better than your ex. A better you will attract a better next.

   Guys...Wanna feel appreciated by your woman? Tighten all the the jar and bottle lids in the house, then leave for a day or two.

   When I'm at a bar I aways look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here's a girl who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

   That akward moment when a Zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you..

   If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I'm going to need a quick answer for this....

   hopes that all of you are practicing your "Oh my God, I LOVE it!" face? We're getting closer...

   Pharmacists should stuff every third prescription bottle with one of those snakes that pops out at you... cuz laughter is the best medicine.

   In a recent survey into blow jobs, and why men like them so much 6% liked the feeling, 12% liked the excitement and 82% just like the peace and quiet.

   Women. Can't live with them, can't finish this joke without having to sleep on the couch.

   This girl tells me "you only call me when your bored "ughhh.... duhh!! why would I call you when i'm busy?!?

   Not having to set an alarm for the next day is one of the best feelings in the world!

   My wife said that she's going to leave me. But before she does, she is going to make sure that my bank balance is $0. That's nice of her, paying off my overdraft.

   They say the best thing to do for a woman is to make her laugh. I'd feel better if I actually spoke before she started laughing.

   It's tough to control a fear of abandonment issue when your therapist doesn't show up for your appointment.

   Popeye was a lonely sailor. No wonder he had such big forearms

   Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.

   Just watched Jersey Shore for 5 minutes and now I realize why we have to do things like write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.

   Try this for fun: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "Sorry for the damage." Watching them is priceless.