Funny Status Messages

   Remember when text messaging was passing a note back and forth in class?

   Earlier today I passed a street sign that said "Dip". I have an idea, instead of putting in the time and money into the "Dip" sign, how about filling in the dip?? Just a thought. If the bridge went out, would they just put up a sign that said, "River"?

   Beyonce & Jay-Z are expecting a baby. Man, that kid is gonna have everything! Except a last name.

   I have decided I am going to write erotica for the elderly. Excerpts from Chapter 1: "He wondered why she took off her Dentures. Later he could not thank her enough."

   Nothing pisses me off more than going through a Drive-Thru with someone who says they don't want anything, then they start to eat your fries

   "What did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" (Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my mom)

   I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.

   Do you think you could drive better if I shoved that cell phone up your @ss? Talk or Drive... PICK ONE!!

   You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

   Why is the jeopardy theme song stuck in my head? its giving me a false sense of anxiety...

   just seen the ex and now sitting here wondering... What was I smoking and drinking throughout THAT whole relationship!

   this one's not funny, keep scrolling . . .

   I have a lot of people in my phone with the last name "FromTheBar".

   Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. A friend or money?

   I just read something so funny it made me spit coffee out my nose, which is odd because I wasn't drinking coffee at the time.

   Have you thought about being a bit selective when uploading photos. We don't need to see the WHOLE PHOTO SESSION.

   thinks there are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them

   Dear infommercials.. Clearly its not a $100 value if you're selling it for 10 bucks

   If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

   That awkward moment when you're at a red light and you look at the person next to you and they're already looking at you