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Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you're fired"
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07-28-2011 05:51 by
flinnie
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I could never trust a psychic who hasn't won the lottery at least once.
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05-24-2011 17:02 by
Marshall the Great
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if you have ever bought clothes to match the color of your crocs you need to seriously rethink your life.
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06-16-2011 19:48
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From now on every time I see a "for lease" sign, I will put a "navidad" sign under it
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11-30-2011 23:31 by
David
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It would be funny to make your facebook status "OMG IT ACTUALLY WORKS" and then 5 minutes later make another facebook status that says "Well, I'm gonna test out this time machine",
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11-05-2011 17:46 by
g0re
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You can learn a lot about a woman from the top dresser drawer beside her bed....
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11-07-2011 12:43 by
bryan j brown
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I could really use one of those Chris Farley,, 'down by the river',, speeches right about now...
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06-04-2012 20:49 by
snotty
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Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn't like.
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06-13-2012 22:04 by
StonerDudee
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There's nothing like celebrating America's independence by spending hundreds of dollars on Chinese fireworks.
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07-04-2012 22:47 by
BEGO
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Most stoners seem like they're not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.
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04-24-2012 10:28 by
Marshall the Great
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Dear Lord; If my happiness bothers some people, please give them their own happiness so they wont bother hating on mine.
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05-02-2012 14:26 by
Kisstopher
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When I was a kid I thought room service was for rich people. Now I realize it's for lazy, hungover people who can't find their pants.
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05-14-2012 15:33 by
Kisstopher
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Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling
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05-23-2012 15:25
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Some people cry when they cut onions. I try not to form an emotional bond.
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02-27-2012 18:12
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When is Oreo going to start selling just the filling?
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02-28-2012 15:37
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RANDOM FACT: Having eye contact for more than 6 seconds without looking away or blinking reveals a desire for either sex or murder.
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03-12-2012 14:41 by
Kisstopher
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If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
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03-20-2012 11:49 by
Marshall the Great
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Every meal I didn't have to cook myself,, is the best meal I've ever had.
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03-22-2012 20:35 by
snotty
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Irony = Someone posting a status about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says: 8 minutes ago via iPad2
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03-31-2012 14:24 by
Marshall the Great
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Autocorrect has been around for centuries, I got mine when I married my wife.
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04-10-2012 19:43 by
Marshall the Great
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