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It would be funny to make your facebook status "OMG IT ACTUALLY WORKS" and then 5 minutes later make another facebook status that says "Well, I'm gonna test out this time machine", 
You can learn a lot about a woman from the top dresser drawer beside her bed....
I could really use one of those Chris Farley,, 'down by the river',, speeches right about now...
Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn't like.
There's nothing like celebrating America's independence by spending hundreds of dollars on Chinese fireworks.
RANDOM FACT: Having eye contact for more than 6 seconds without looking away or blinking reveals a desire for either sex or murder.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
Every meal I didn't have to cook myself,, is the best meal I've ever had.
Irony = Someone posting a status about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says: 8 minutes ago via iPad2
Autocorrect has been around for centuries, I got mine when I married my wife.
If you didn't make one corner of an old metal swing set pop up in the backyard, you sucked growing up!
How in the hell do people spell your name wrong on facebook when it's right in front of them?!
Some people cry when they cut onions. I try not to form an emotional bond.
When is Oreo going to start selling just the filling?
From now on every time I see a "for lease" sign, I will put a "navidad" sign under it
Most stoners seem like they're not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.
Dear Lord; If my happiness bothers some people, please give them their own happiness so they wont bother hating on mine.
When I was a kid I thought room service was for rich people. Now I realize it's for lazy, hungover people who can't find their pants.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around,,, Will the entire tree still be used to print a single CVS receipt? 