Funny Status Messages

   I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?

   Sigh. Guess it's time to go do some grocery shopping. A mouse hung itself inside our fridge and left a note "can't live like this"

   A psycho and a teenage girl are walking thru dark scary woods..Teanage girls says"My I am very scared walking thru these woods" The psycho replies"How do you think I feel ? I have to walk back alone"

   Wife asks her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!"

   Thinks its funny when people read someone elses status & start to wonder if it has something to do with them.

   I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

   There are so many people looking for Bin Laden, I think they should also search for Joyce Dewitt from Three's Company. She vanished over 20 years ago. Not even TMZ seem to know where she is.

   You're one of those people who pushes when the door says pull aren't you?

   it's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now sounds a little better than, it's 1:15, I'm trashed & horny...

   hates leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

   just saw an ugly, pregnant woman and thought, "Good for you."

   Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

   I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

   Twitter: The site where people signaficantly want to get stalked(Follow) and tell people their business where nobody cares. Lol....really. But they love it

   I think once I get past the restraining orders and the court dates and the stalking charges....I really think this relationship can work!!!!

   Has always wondered why The Muppets had large protruding eyes. Then she realized that if she had a hand up her ass, her eyes would protrude too.

   My wife was mad because I wouldn't ask for directions even though we were lost. So she makes me pull over and she says to a guy "Please tell my husband where we are.And say it slow so even he'll understand." Then the guy says " BURRR GERRR KIIIING!"

   I ordered the food, seatbelted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window.

   Remember the days when you would leave for work, and say goodbye to your spouse, lover or partner, knowing you probably wouldn't talk to them until you got home from work? No cellphones, emails, texting, facebook, blah, blah! Man, though were the days...

   I've always wanted to spin around in a chair and say: "I've been expecting you."