Funny Status Messages

   You know you drank too much last night when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator."

   I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can't find it...

   Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

   women these days.....some of their eyebrows looks like they are sponsored by NIKE.

   My mother sent me a private message on fb, telling me that I shouldn't post things that some people might find offensive. after much soul searching I had to do the right thing, so I unfriended her !

   You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!"

   Why are so many people obese these days? Because burgers are$.99 and salads are $4.99

   Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping

   A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.

   I LOVE sleeping,,,,,, It's like being dead,,, Without all the commitment

   we should have a way of telling ppl their breath stinks with out hurting their feelings like: "well i'm bored, lets go brush our teeth!"

   Spinning my mouse wheel because that's how I scroll

   The awkward moment when you`re at your friends house and your friend is getting yelled at by the wife so you just stand their and pet the dog.

   My lady asked me if we could go out to somewhere expensive the other night, so I took her to the gas station.

   Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

   You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: you're 11 years old and you have an iPhone, you little sh!t.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs.

   Hitting the treadmill to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that cause the stress.......

   Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn't, stupid enough to do it anyway.

   If I win the lottery, all of my neighbors are going to be rich!!! I'm going to move to a rich neighborhood!