Funny Status Messages

   Help me out on my friends list. If you don't know me, like me, or don't talk to me, Delete my ass. Thanks.

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts today, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   - I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste!

   It feels like my entire generation can be summed up in six words from a Nirvana song: Here we are now, entertain us.

   Its taken me 20 some odd years to figure out who was the favorite child, until I went to my moms basement last week and found a box labled Sean's bath toys- It was a radio and toaster..

   Don't be Jealous of Me... If you had to walk a mile in my shoes you'd probably need year of therapy.

   Before you judge people, make sure you're better than them, or at least you're not one of them.

   I can't hear you, so I'll just laugh and hope it wasn't a question

   Canadian bacon is just ham wrapped in a lie

   , "so let me get this straight. Sex and the City is about three hookers and their mom?".

   Tell your friends that the F5 key puts photos back the way they were on facebook:)

   suggests: The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

   it me or does everyone get sick of pancakes by the time you are done eating them...

   ready to have male pattern baldness become "in style"

   I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them

   My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."

   I got my killer quads from hovering over public toilets.

   They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?

   Ebola can live in semen for up to 2 months. So fellas, wash your socks.

   When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it's like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.