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I hate when people don't watch where I'm going when I'm walking and texting. 
Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop
unfortunately, my day dreams about being skinny are always interrupted with the sounds of my chewing.
When I buy butter I don't choose it by how it tastes,I choose the one that's going to make the best cereal bowl when it's empty.
If I could turn invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he'd get would be amazing!
I listen to nothing more closely than the muffled conversation happening after someone has accidentally butt dialed me.
Hey, people who jog in place when you're at a red light. Calm down. We're already judging you. Don't give us more ammo
Part of me thinks I get angry easily, the other part wants to beat the crap out of it for thinking that.
Facebook Shortcomings: Everyone in the picture is tagged, except for the attractive person I wanted to stalk.
"Police! Open the door!" ... "Will you promise not to get mad?"
It's a weird feeling when you can't remember if something happened in a dream or in real life.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours
Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."
A dog is always glad to see you when you get home. A cat just looks at you like "What are you doing here?
When you have children yourself, you begin to understand what you owe your parents.
loves when people say "I tell it like it is." Really? How about you tell it like it isn't just to shake things up a bit?
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Dogs see that their owner provides them with food, shelter and caters to their every need and they think "He must be God." Cats see that their owner provides them with food, shelter and caters to their every need and they think "I must be God."
Sometimes the dreams that come true are the dreams you never knew you had. Like when the vending machine gives you 2 soda's
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now. 