Funny Status Messages

   Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.

   My favorite part of last night's presidential debate is when I watched the Tigers/Yankees game instead.

   "How fortunate for governments that the people they administer do not think" - Adolf Hitler

   Your words of wisdom make me want to seek the tranquility and comfort of a mental institution.

   My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my 'WTF' lines and those things are deep.

   The packers were in it right up until the end of the national anthem.

   ..... I don't think accepting tens of millions of dollars from foreign entities is really the best qualification for a person seeking to become President of the United States.

   I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it's Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

   Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?

   STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

   I'm gonna make this girl mine..... Right click, Save As....

   Are you sure we haven't met before? Because I feel like I hate you from somewhere.

   A co-worker said to me, "Could you be any more annoying?" So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.

   I hope my New Year's Resolution to only say nice things about people isn't misinterpreted as a vow of silence.

   We now live in a time where people choose their insurance providers based on who's TV commercial is funnier

   I hate when people don't watch where I'm going when I'm walking and texting.

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop

   unfortunately, my day dreams about being skinny are always interrupted with the sounds of my chewing.

   When I buy butter I don't choose it by how it tastes,I choose the one that's going to make the best cereal bowl when it's empty.

   If I could turn invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he'd get would be amazing!