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Objects in the selfie are way sadder than they appear. 
Possible "Breaking Amish" sequels:.. #1:Friday Night Without Lights... #2:That 1870's Show... #3:The Big Barn Theory...#4:Not-Modern Family
As a child, I used to play with an imaginary man who lived in a well. He'd be all, "Please, I'm not imaginary!" and I'd just laugh and laugh
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
*whispers* ...and here we have a teen loading a washer with clothes--unprovoked... A rare sight, seldom witnessed outside captivity.
I was worried because I heard a beep and didn't know if it was my cell, iPod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV. Thank God it was just the fire alarm.
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
My dad's TV volume is always set at "screw the neighbors".
Facebook: "Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?" Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.
Lost is actually being played out in real life.
Are you on a date with me or with your phone? Just make sure that phone pays your share of this bill by the end of the night.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he’s gonna get to wear it.
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms... 2. Describing tumors... 3. Playing golf
My resume is basically a list of things I hate to do.
Next time my cat has some friends over, I'm going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
People who have permission to call me honey, sugar or sweetie: 1. Truck stop waitresses 2. That’s it
"Back in my day, Smurfs used to be smaller" -We're watching Avatar, grandma
If restaraunt napkins ever become currency, my glove box will become Fort Knox. 