Funny Status Messages

   By the volume of the pans clanging amd slamming in the kitchen... I think I'm supposed to be volunteering to help with something

   If I ever become a serial killer I'll probably be known as The "I SAID NO PICKLES, B ITCH" Drive-Thru Strangler.

   It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.

   The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

   Whenever there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"

   Just once, I wish WebMD would tell me "relax...it's only gas".

   Congratulations to Jay-z and Beyonce on the birth of their baby. She won't have to work a day in her life, they should call her Lay-Z

   If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

   Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?

   Don't judge me just because I sin differently from you.

   If you keep your child on a leash in public, I will not hesitate to ask "Does he bite?"

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem but it's very deep.

   If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you're wrong. I'm wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.

   Today, I saw the commercial for the Snuggie. I still think it is stupid idea, but I couldn't change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn't want my arms to get cold…

   Does anyone else leave Best Buy without buying anything and think the security guy at the front suspects you of stealing... so you go out of your way to act friendly toward him?

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, damn, you're good. Fool me four times…expect a drive-by

   Legally,It's questionable. Morally,It's disgusting. Personally,I like it.

   Somewhere Brett Favre just throw his remote at a tv....and it was intercepted..

   : Halloween.. The only time of the year where it's ok to take candy from a stranger

   Yeah....Hi, I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working