Funny Status Messages

   Game: "Would you like to try the tutorial first?" Me: "No." *minutes later* "How the hell do you play this?"

   We're all sex addicts. Some of us just have better dealers.

   When a woman tells me her lawn needs mowing, I get an entirely different picture in my head.

   I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.

   Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days... But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave

   Kanye West is said to be recovering well in hospital after an 8 hour operation to remove his head from his ass.

   With so many things coming back in style, I can't wait till loyalty and morals become the new trend again.

   Sometimes you wish you could just fast forward time just to see if in the end it's all worth it,..

   The week seems to go by at the speed of a snail. Unless it's the weekend. Then the snail is driving a Ferrari.

   When Bill Gates feels like a million bucks, he's having a crappy day.

   My brain is about as organized as the WalMart $5 DVD bin.

   when I have a headache , I take 2 asprins and keep away from children . jus like it says on the bottle.

   Thanks, autocorrect. I'm sure she's dying to know about my huge peninsula.

   Just think,,, 20 years ago my television set weighed 350lbs.. And my wife weighed 105lbs ...

   "Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I've ever been asked.

   I don't know exactly who's health I'm drinking to, but they're going to be immortal at this rate

   Hey, if you stay really quiet and listen very, very closely, You can hear the beautiful sound of you shutting the f$ck up.

   It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. Then it's a life of piracy on the high seas.

   Unprotected sex can lead to Pregnancy or Diseases. Masturbation just leads to sleep.

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you