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When a woman tells me her lawn needs mowing, I get an entirely different picture in my head. 
I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.
Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days... But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave
Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying "sorry breaking up with you" or that a minute later she text me back "sorry wrong number."
My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a constipated muppet trying to list off active ingredients in Children’s Tylenol.
Everybody knows that door handles spread disease but when I started a business to clean them and called it Knob Jobs all I got were creepy phone calls
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
Think about how stupid the average person is,and then realize that half of them are stupider than that!!!
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end!!!
Women say magazines portray an unrealistic image of beauty therefore making them feel inadequate. Then they buy 12 inch dild0s.
went to the bookshop today to get a book about conspiracies. Guess what, there were none there. Coincidence?
will be forever indebted to the person who creates a vaccine for stupidity.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
Pessimist sees darkness, optimist sees light, realist sees light & the coming train! Train driver sees 3 idiots sitting on the rails. :-)
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
cellphones always killin the mood. chick texted "your ducking sexy".. sigh. so I responded "your spelling makes me think your on quack"
thinks instead of asking why your dog eats out of your cat's litter box, maybe you should be asking why your cat is pooping delicious treats!
The scariest part of the show “I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant” is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series.
Spiders should be required to keep proof of all the insects they've killed so when I find them in the house I can decide whether to leave them alone, move them outside, or flatten them with extreme prejudice.
Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA speak for "here's a pine tree and some nails." 