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My wife asked me if I wanted to go on a date for Valentine's, so I asked her with who and do I know her...................then the trouble started. 
We're responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
My life can be summed up in an overwhelming urge to wash my hands.
Does this comic book collection make me look single?
Would like to give a big shout out to the people that are hard of hearing
They can go ahead and change the name "land line" to "cell phone finder" now.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking garages look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
You know what my problem is? People telling me what my problem is.
I wish I had a job where I could frequently say, "If my calculations are correct..."
RIP Jack Kevorkian dead at 83. Final stats: 0 points, 0 rebounds, and 130 assists.
I am pretty certain it is easier to become a Navy SEAL than it is to get a damn fly out of my car.
Sometimes you wish you could just fast forward time just to see if in the end it's all worth it,..
The week seems to go by at the speed of a snail. Unless it's the weekend. Then the snail is driving a Ferrari.
When Bill Gates feels like a million bucks, he's having a crappy day.
My brain is about as organized as the WalMart $5 DVD bin.
when I have a headache , I take 2 asprins and keep away from children . jus like it says on the bottle.
Thanks, autocorrect. I'm sure she's dying to know about my huge peninsula.
Just think,,, 20 years ago my television set weighed 350lbs.. And my wife weighed 105lbs ...
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I've ever been asked.
I don't know exactly who's health I'm drinking to, but they're going to be immortal at this rate 