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Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and bad decisions. 
While looking down at my shorts, my wife said "well somebodies happy to see me" To which I replied "No its just a Samsung Galaxy MEGA in my pocket"
How many girls it takes to change a light bulb? 4 if you count the one taking and posting the pic to Facebook
Remember,,, It takes more muscles to frown at a donut than to eat it.
Flavored condoms? What's wrong with pen*s flavor?
I am like a hardware store. I screw. I nut. I bolt.
Happy fathers day to the real dads out there....not you sperm donors
I found the pot at the end of the rainbow, and I smoked it!
Wives just don't understand how much rubbing it takes to clean a di(k in the shower...
I wanna get a tattoo of a grape, that way when I'm old and wrinkly it turns into a raisin. .
women are like groceries....the really heavy ones should be double-bagged
Learning is way more than a test score...
I suspect Adele ate her last name.
They say that fat girls try harder. Not in the gym they don't.
I can't believe ALL these single women in my area want to meet me....it's probably due to all the I-Pads I've been winning!
Black Friday... a special time to keep Capitalism in Christmas
The next person I hear blaring "Gangnam Style" at a stoplight is getting stabbed in the temples with an olive fork!
got sacked from my job as a bingo caller last night. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is an unacceptable way to describe the number 69...
The Mars Rover reports there are only 167 Starbucks on Mars!
I hate when couples say "we're expecting a baby." Like, what the else were you expecting to grow inside you?! 