Funny Status Messages

   Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2!

   love the scoring system on storage wars..lets see...a broken tricycle, thats $200, used tupperware...$600......

   One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.

   When you're with the right person, you feel the perfect balance of happy and horny.

   Steven Tyler looks like a zombie crawling out of a drag queen's hamper.

   The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.

   boobs are proof that guys can pay attention to two things at once

   When you post pictures of yourself flaunting money, I am forced to think you're not used to having it.

   Quick, how do you wrap a broom?

   Dont go broke trying to look RICH....act your wage!

   I'm wearing my pajamas and buying booze at 10 am on a Tuesday…Yeah,,I probably don't need a receipt

   I wonder if the person who invented trail mix actually discovered it when they were cleaning out their car and moved their kids' car seats.

   I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date... it's never going to make it anywhere near that.

   During the stone age, long before Facebook, man was already experiencing the desire to express on a wall what he had eaten.

   How the heck does one cup of coffee equal one gallon of pee!?!?

   Bowling is my favorite sport because you don't have to run and there's beer five feet away.

   P0rn is so unrealistic. There's no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.

   Kim and Kanye's baby will probably be delivered by C-Section to avoid getting Chlamydia on the way out...

   A stranger phoned me up last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my breasts. Weirdo never showed up

   Be smart because you won't be pretty forever.