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The Braille on the drive-thru ATM should say "Congratulations for making it this far... but, why the fck are you driving?" 
If schools were really serious about fundraisers, they'd sell drugs and alcohol.
I'm no expert but I think your Facebook status updates can be used for your insanity defense.
This vodka tastes like it needs more vodka.
Not to brag, but it's 8:35am and I haven't had any alcohol yet.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my doo
My safe word is, "gross"
Want to know something about me??? Well,,, ANYTHING a monkey points at,,,,, I will Immediately look at....
Don't be upset at your lady for checking me out. Instead compliment her on her great taste
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you.
Moses sent me an email from his new tablet, with ten attachments.
I'm NOT falling for the candy in your pocket trick. Again. Unless you say it's chocolate.
If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you're not naked near enough.
I wonder what normal feels like.
I don't care what you say, fat girls are beautiful too.....at a distance.....of 300 or more feet.
I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday.
I'm allergic to some alcohol. I break out in Sexyness and and in extreme cases nudity...
Never faked a sarcasm in my life.
Someone should really tell cab drivers not to Stink & Drive.
The monsters under my bed are afraid of MY dark. 