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Metta World Peace, a.k.a. Ron Artest, just wished everyone a Happy Labor Day on Twitter........................... 
"Chickpeas? Chick, please! Check please!" - guy who hates garbanzo beans complaining to waitress about how she brought him garbanzo beans
What if Deja Vu means you lost a life and started at the last checkpoint
Free advice: Never attempt to shave a beaver when its got a hold of your log.
PICK UP LINE: Listen, I'm wasted, but the condom in my pocket doesn't have to be.
An Irishman walks out of a bar. ...
I'm sorry your grandma is in a coma but in my defense, she REALLY sucks at dodge ball.
Sorry I ran you over,, but on a positive note, I get 50 extra points if I'm not mistaken, and that gets me another free guy... So there's that
This just in: iOS 8.0.2 comes with a new toggle switch to straighten out your bent iPhone 6 Plus.
The truth is anyone who thinks we're still having global warming should look at what is happening in Egypt and realize that they're in DE-NILE. (Sorry I couldn't resist)
I knew my wifes cooking was getting out of hand when the flies chipped in on a screen door
Fri(end) Girlfri(end) Boyfri(end) Br(forever)o
My husband confrimed my suspicions that he never wants to have sex again when he told me the house isn't clean enough.
I don't need to drink to have fun." - boring people
Got a call from the IRS this morning, the lady asked me why I sent a condom in with my taxes, I said I figured if I am getting f%ck%d, might as well be safe about it.....
After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare site, Kathleen Sebelius announced today that she is resigning. Which explains why being thrown under a bus is now covered by Obamacare.
Canadian Whiskey is just like regular whiskey except it apologizes for your hangover in the morning
PRO TIP: Before you buy the house, have here sit up on the kitchen counter to make sure the height is right.
I got robbed at the gas station this morning. The cops asked me if I knew who did it. I said "Yeah. Pump 6."
I don't know about these Capital One commercials with Samuel L. Jackson. There's something about an angry black man asking "What's in your wallet?" that scares me. 