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Who needs charm to captivate a woman when duct tape is so cheap? 
Heard Suarez got a cold shoulder from his teammates last night
This day in history in 1803. Louisiana Purchase was made by Thomas Jefferson. It added 828000 square miles to the USA,,, and later on that day, his wife hid his credit cards.
As usual the UN remains inactive in yet another massacre in Brazil #WorldCup2014
Siri, how do I unburn a jersey?
"It's a boy!" I shouted as I ran away from the Thai brothel
I want my tombstone to just say "You should see the other guy" on it
I don't think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.
Being human is expensive and exhausting.
Silence is the best response to a fool.
Olympic athletic bring stray puppies back from Sochi... like we dont have enough here in the US...
You say “YOLO”, I say “YADA”. You’re A Dumb As%.
For lent I'm giving up sex, wait I'm not catholic. Whoa, that was close
People who only sleep with one pillow are the real terrorists.
I'm a lover of music and music has never betrayed me.
When life hands you pig hooves and horse gums, make hot dogs.
This cat poop tastes like I'm about to get yelled at. -- Dogs
Finally!! Mankind gets a message from Mars... *The President reads it to all humanity YOUR FRIGGING ROBOT IS DOING DONUTS ON MY LAWN
I could be an Olympics commentator because I’m good at pointing and saying, “You can tell she wants it.”
My favourite yoga position is your legs on my shoulders. 