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It's really awkward that all of the people who post the "how did you meet me" statuses are all people I haven't met.. then again, I don't go outside 
Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour...Hey 1999 called and wants its joke back.
Never argue with an idiot,they drag you down to thr level than beat you with experience
to be a roadie,, get on the roads not on a stupid tv show!!!
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Still can't believe Skeletor and Stretch Armstrong sold out and started selling cars.....
If I had wanted to talk I would've worn underwear
Toy dinosaurs are made of plastic. Plastic is made from oil. Oil comes from million-year-old dinosaur remains. So toy dinosaurs are actually made from real dinosaurs.
I'm watching the Army/Navy game and Santiago is playing quarterback for Army...I'm just sitting here thinking, "I'll be damned, the Code Red worked"
Pay it forward, but with booze.
I just learned that George de Mestral, the man who invented Velcro, died in 1990. RIP, George. RIP.
I think the people who own funeral homes should have digital clocks outside, counting down.
"You're a tall drink of water." "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."
I'm not arguing. I'm explaining why I'm right and you're wrong.
The actor Peter Cullen voiced both Eeyore AND Optimus Prime. That trivia will be in your brain forever. You're welcome.
"I'd pap that" ~ Gynocologists
Picture this: Cee Lo and a T-Rex in a slap fight.
Selfie or not here I come
The secret to a happy marriage is knowing how to strategically hide the empties in the trash can so they have no idea how much you drank last night.
Every Steven Seagal movie is 90 minutes of me looking for the remote to change the damn channel. 