Funny Status Messages

   20 years ago nobody knew what gluten was, now there are only 3 people left in the world that can still eat a bagel.

   if you want to memorialize a veteran, you should kick a politician in their genitals. .

   I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..

   The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I've decided to start growling.

   Should I check my bank account balance or continue having an okay day?

   Sending troops to Liberia to fight Ebola? Are they going to shoot at it?

   On the bright side, selfie sticks are also lightning rods.

   The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

   Hey Victoria's Secret, I like to keep my panty selection private so if your cashiers wouldn't hold them up like Simba when folding them, that'd be great.

   Having sex with your ex on a Thursday isn't cheating, it's a throwback.

   PRO TIP: If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.

   The girl on the flyer is never at the club.

   I'm sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they've won the Canadian lottery.

   I wish every relationship I was in had a money back guarantee or at least a 30 day free trial

   it's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

   .....So people wanna live in "Avatar" world...wtf? Have they not seen "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory"?

   Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

   Try this, the next time your friend is drunk, switch his/her mom's number with their girlfriend/boyfriend's...

   because I have a life. because its been proven that facebook is time consuming and useless. I have to log off............. I'll be back in 30 min.

   If you're on the show "16 and Pregnant" you have a pretty good chance of being on the follow-up show "32 and a Grandmother"