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During the holiday season"s prisoners should only be aloud to watch the travel channel 24/7.. 
Patience is not a virtue! Its a gift. I'm not gifted!
1 day i'm gonna be telling my kids about payphones, no cell phones or internet & the video games aren't portable....& the kids will think it's a fairy tale
I found the vodka… it was hiding in the orange juice!
Women are an enigma, wrapped in a conundrum, tied to a riddle that baffles the mind of men. - William Shakespear
my father called me an asswipe, I said the wipe didnt fall far from the ass
going to celebrate President's day by chopping down a cherry tree to make Lincoln Logs.
...went fishing today caught a giant Bass...I got tackled by security, the police was called and I got escorted off the premises..that's the last time I go fishing at Bass Pro Shop!
Danica Patrick is on the pole, is the best thing I've heard about NASCAR Nationwide Series Ever!
I love a woman in heels. But please don't wear a bunch of Bangles too. You just sound like an angry Samurai chasing me on a horse.
js pissed that the other site steals our status's cuz now our secret spot is violated and 'everyone' on FB might be as funny as me
This delicious brownie just accepted my friend request!
what do you call wrinkles on Grandma?? .... Grandpa! :-)
The key to staying relevant? Don't die.
According to Dr.Oz, EVERYTHING is unhealthy to eat,drink, breathe and so on!
One thing everyone will learn in school: How to text without looking.
I can't trust anyone who wears a trench coat ever since McGruff the Crime Dog flashed me outside of a Miller's Outpost when I was nine :(
If I didn't have any kids I would love to be a stay at home Dad.
When I pump gas now I do it with my eyes closed cause I'm praying that $35 worth will get me through the week...
You see,,, Once you start making Freudian slips, you can't stop,,, it's just one after a mother. 