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Lawyer: In fact you did give her the pill?... Cosby: Sshoobities.... Lawyer: Come again ?....Cosby: floobity dooblities..... Lawyer:.... Cosby: Zip zop wop 
I hear Sarah Palin loves Honey Nut Cheerios.
I've dated a vegan and a vegetarian, and please believe me, they do put meat in their mouth...
It was revealed today that Obama will spend a half Billion bucks on his Presidential Historical Library. Question: If he has sequestered virtually every document from his past...SO...Why even build a historical Library about your life in the first place?
I wonder if business people know they don't have to talk about business at lunch.
I look up at the sky and think of Bolkonsky wounded at Austerlitz contemplating the very nature of existence......... Just kidding, I'm thinking about boobs.
An anti-chemical weapons group winning the Nobel Peace Prize in a year where chemical weapons were used is why I have trust issues.
Please don't leave the light on for me, Motel 6.... I don't want anyone to see me here.
It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."
If God wanted me to be a vegetarian He would have made plants taste like meat.
Once you get to know me, you'll agree that I have the refluxes of a cat...."...you mean REFLEX? "... *I cough up hairball on the floor & run away
"Please make me happy" I whisper to my prescription.
Just asked my neighbors if they wanted to go drinking and accidentally did the blowjob hand signal.
A single male friend of mine is looking for a woman who can actually suck a golf ball through a garden hose. . .
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: "skeletal remains," "dumpster," "almost beyond recognition," "dental records," "blood bath" and "shallow grave."
Why would I dance like nobody's watching? People need to see this.
[Astronomy class] The next star after our sun is Proxima Centauri, at 4.2 light-years away. [Silence] Or 12 CVS reciepts away. [Class] OHHHHHH
in a recent study 9 out of 10 Bros actually chose Hoes over each other.
I would love to put out a comic labeled "For Mature Readers" that is just a heartfelt meditation on aging and mortality.
Justin Beiber hates being told she's talented, and I can sympathize... I hate being told she's talented, too. 