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You know the annual company meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken. 
That moment when she ask if you notice anything about her and you just can't find anything different about her, so you fake a seizure.
How come know-it-alls, don't know how annoying they are?
Scientists have discovered that thinking about revenge lights up the same areas of the brain as chocolate. So it's true… revenge is sweet
How much for the girlfriend? Sir that's a bottle of Vodka.
Experience has taught me some pretty valuable lessons... Mainly, to always carry hush money.
Driving to Starbucks without having had coffee first, driving while impaired. Same thing really.
My boss wants me to take a training class in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to be able to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?" - guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Counting to ten when someone makes you angry works much better if you're counting punches.
There should be a ride or die carpool lane for serious travelers.
A toothbrush. If you let a woman bring one into your house, it’s no longer your house.
of all the things i've lost, I miss my childhood the most...
Sorry I was charming. It won't happen again.
I'll only date you if all my friends and family hate your guts. - girls
A selfie a day keeps the daddy issues at bay
it's not "stalking" .....it's "starting a secret fan club that only has 1 member"
Silence is golden unless you have kids then silence is suspicious.
Anyone want to hang out tonight? Miley ruined my plans...
Damn are you a library book because you're old and slightly damaged but I'm still going to check you out. 