Funny Status Messages

   I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.

   We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.

   I went to the Red Cross to donate blood and was refused. Something to do with my Vodka to Plasma ratio being to high.

   I miss that age when I THOUGHT I knew everything. Cause now that I do, it's kinda depressing...

   I'm starting to think the word Gourmet means "Put something wierd on it, and triple the price"

   There are worse things than waking up on the wrong side of the bed. You could wake up on the right side of the bed with the wrong person.

   When someone I like deletes me, I think "Why? What did I do?" Then I eat real food, have real sex and high five real people I actually know ;

   Insomnia. I tried counting sheep, but they kept sitting down and telling me their problems. Very anxiety-ridden, those sheep...

   I just saw a "Git-R-Done" bumper sticker on a Prius and I don't know what's real anymore.

   facebook should have an "irrelevant" button . Seriously.

   I'm not a social drinker. It's mostly work related.

   if people were as nice to each other in real life as they were in Facebook comments, think how different the world would be.

   shakeweight.... no thank you, I have my own. kinda wish someone else would shake it though. I'm tired of exercising alone

   I don't use the expression, "I beg to differ." If my opinion is different than yours I'm not going to beg to express it.

   I'd like to say some wise and meaningful crap, but the fact I just referred to it as “crap” shows just how meaningful I can be.

   If you were on fire and I had a beer in my hand, I would be warm, toasty, and drunk.....

   If my boss saw how many cool things I post on Facebook in a day, he'd stop saying I'm unproductive.

   .My super power is to slap people upside the head when they need it most. No need to thank me. Just doing my job.

   i thought the trick to makeup was to make it look like yout not wearing any and not to look like you shoved your face in a bowl of nacho cheese sauce

   : the only A+ I've gotten in life is my blood type