Funny Status Messages

   You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's worth it.

   There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.

   If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.

   You're unemployed and not looking for work; put down the energy drink.

   The nice thing about being a pessimist is that in the end you are either pleasantly surprised or you have the satisfaction of knowing you were right all along.

   Normal is overrated. I will see your crazy and raise you demented.

   Nothing honors our Vetrans more than buying a mattress on sale.

   This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.

   Mentos should print little messages on their mints like "you're awesome" or "looking good" and call them Complimentos.

   Boss just announced he is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.

   If you're gonna take a selfie at a funeral, at least get the casket in the background!

   All I need right now is a hug, and five hundred thousand dollars in cash

   All I'm saying is some of us would get in the van without the candy.

   The mega winner says she picked the numbers by her kids birthdays… Please tell me what month has 39 days

   Justin Bieber was drunken driving in Florida? Where is George Zimmerman when you need him!

   By show of hands, who's been fooled 3 times and not known who to blame?

   My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there's lunch brought in for everyone

   Scientists have made a pill that tricks you into thinking your body is full. Unfortunately, it's filled with mashed potatoes and has 8,500 calories.

   Why does every video on America's Funniest Home Videos look like it's still recorded on VHS tape?

   Remember when our kids got sick we had to pick up the phone and tell all our friends? No! You don't because nobody did it. So knock that crap off Facebook.