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In life, success is determined by the amount of sh!t you can take 
If the 2nd only covers muskets and cannons, then healthcare only covers band aids and tylenol. Libera@1 logic at its best.
Indi@n people win spelling bees, Jeopardy championships, and collegiate scholarships. They know everything...except the existence of deodorants.
Hillary broke her wrist when she slipped in a bathtub. The bathtub was later found dead with two gunshots in the back of the head. The death has been ruled a suicide.
Why can't Mexican learn to speak our English language? I've learned to eat their food!
If someone calls you fat, Don't get angry, just turn the other chin.
If I ever find myself homeless, I would just go and live in an Ikea.
Best invention ever; a mirror that takes pictures
Has anyone told you how fuckalicious you look today?
My wife's great-great-grandmother on her mother's side was The Kracken
Accidentally paused a movie with my stomach fat. God is getting catty with his signs.
People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't - Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father.
Am I supposed to be more mature now that I'm older? Because "ILuvBigBoobs" is still pretty much my password for everything I have!
If your lawyer has a ponytail .....your going to lose.$$$
What if that guy just found a mountain that looked like those presidents and then told everyone he carved it?
my GF and I have so much in common, she thinks I'm the best looking, kindest, smartest, best lover, most considerate, humblest, man in the world...and I agree
I had a dream that all the neglected MySpace Profiles came back and wanted vengeance.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
If you never stuck a butterknife in the cable box to kind of see the porn channel then you never had a childhood.
Think I have cabin fever. Just broke out in shingles and little windows 