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During the week your FB wall rivals p0rn sites but on sunday it's suddenly transformed into a religious shrine. 
I didn't have enough closet space so I bought a treadmill.
Does anyone know how to change the difficulty setting on getting the sex?
"She's gone too far"... "She crossed the line between science & ethics"... "She's playing God"... *reaction to the amount of cheese my mom puts in an omelet
I wish I can stay in my present bad mood until the end of America's presidential election; that way, I can decide who is the better candidate.
Starbucks: Sometimes you wanna go where everybody misspells your name.
Revenge so sweet it gave me a toothache
Some of you ladies really need more practice hiding your crazy, at least until he marries you.
Phones nowadays are so expensive, when you fall and hear a crack, you pray it’s your leg.
I like my women like I like my golf scores. In the 80s with a slight handicap.
I do understand women, but I don't know how to explain them to you.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I love scary movies. I've seen Ghostbusters at least 6 times.
Should I go over and talk to her? Go over there dude. A pregnant woman should never drink alone.
Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings. Pavlov says, "Oh hell, I forgot to feed the dog."
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't going to like you
Next time you go on a road trip for 3 days, can you leave me a note? - Me to my cat.
Why would anyone make babies when they can make nachos?
part of a complete breakfast 